Come fly with me

OK, so I might have forgotten to tell you that I was taking a trip to Geneva for a week, and that there would be a break in the torrent of general abuse while away.


"But Matt, the beauty of a blog is that you can update it ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, perhaps on your i-Pad while you sit at the airport and send smug messages with "sent from my i-Pad" on the bottom".


Answer - you are absolutely right.  I could also access my work email, or stab myself in the eye with a pencil ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.  What do we learn from this kids?  Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean that it's necessarily a good idea to do it.


But I digress - back to Geneva.  Not to a beautiful sanatorium overlooking the lake for some 'behavioural therapy', not even to Dignitas, no, to stay with my big sister which is the best therapy anyone could ask for EVER.  And the fact that my sister shares the same genetic programming as me to drink too much sauvignon means that the trip was more of a retox, I feel SO much better as a result.

You would think after all of the relaxation, sun and mountain air (and alcohol) that I would have nothing to grump about this week.  (Excuse me while I cackle at your utter naivety). Aah, that's better, nothing better than a good laugh at other people.  Right, onto today's moan.

easyjet

OK, you're thinking, time for a cheap shot at budget airlines.  Well no actually (easyjet have decent red wine and wasabi-covered peanuts on board now - I fucking love easyjet).

My gripe is about the 60+ yr old travellers, newly retired couples (NRCs) that frequent easyjet flights, flying off to their little holiday home (that they have bought with their massive pension pot, which is the reason I will retire on £2.47 per year).

OH MY FUCKING GOD.  I'm sorry, but you often hear bleatings about how utterly bad mannered the young people are nowadays, blah blah blah.  That may be true in some cases, but you haven't seen anything until you witness NRCs queueing for an easyjet flight.  My experience started at check-in.  Let me explain, I had paid for Speedy Boarding (never has £14-50 been such good value).  Gatwick on a Sunday afternoon in late June was HEAVING, and the communal queue for easyjet check-in was massive.  If  I'd been in that queue, yes I would have been a bit pissed.

However the joy of Speedy Boarding is that you have a dedicated check-in desk, separate from the main check-in.  Now, as it was so busy, obviously the number of people of Speedy Boarding people was proportionately bigger, hence I must have queued for, ooh at least 5 minutes to check-in.

Not really a problem, you would think.  Well, Mr and Mrs Beige in front of me in the Speedy Boarding queue didn't think so.  Obviously they weren't actually called Beige, however there is an unwritten law that when you are above 60 and travelling by air, you must wear beige slacks and a navy blazer with brass buttons - and of course comfortable shoes.  They were very vocally tutting their disapproval, and totally slagging off easyjet to the whole queue.  You know, the sort of people that have Watchdog, Homes from Hell and Tonight with Trevor McDonald on series link.

And the poor underpaid girl behind check-in that had to deal with their tirade once they reached the desk - they actually uttered (loudly) the immortal phrase "I'm writing to Stelios", at which point I and several other people smirked very loudly.  I didn't realise that people actually said that - I just thought it was people that had been paid to kick-off and create some TV drama on Airline.

OK, the above may have been an isolated incident, but HAVE YOU SEEN NRCs once they get to the gate for an easyjet flight?  Every time anybody with a high-vis vest, a clipboard, or even just a badge walks past the gate it's like a pack of meercats that have just spotted something exciting.  It's a bit like a reverse game of musical chairs - but rather than the music stops and you sit down, it's ANY announcement on the PA and you stand up.  And once the incoming plane actually arrives at the gate, well that is of course the signal for tension levels to increase by a factor of 10.

Now the NRCs will obviously have positioned themselves close to the gate, ready to spring into action when someone makes the first move to start a queue.  A friend of mine says that her favourite game at the easyjet gate is to stand up early and be the first to start the queue, then watch as a hundred people automatically stand behind her - fucking genius.

But what I now take great delight in (as a dedicated Speedy Boarder) is the looks of utter contempt and disgust as I push through the NRCs to the front when the Speedy Boarders are called - bearing in mind that most NRCs must do this regularly on their frequent trips to their bolt-hole on the Continent, has it never occurred to them that a £14-50 supplement is not a lot to pay to avoid the nail biting tension of the easyjet boarding gate?  And then on a busy flight, NRCs that board late and stand blocking the whole aisle looking around in shock, as they couldn't possibly sit apart on a 1 1/2 hour flight.  AAAAAAAAAGH.

Even better, on boarding my return flight from Geneva I was sneerily asked by an NRC if I realised that I was actually in the Speedy Boarding queue - the overwhelming desire to spray them in the eyes with my Duty Free Gucci by Gucci Sport eau de toilette was overwhelming - but at £40 a bottle a piercing withering look/raised eyebrow combo had to suffice.

Right, enough venting.  I need to spend some time telling myself how fabulous and special I am, as instructed in therapy.  Or, drink a bottle of chilled Sauvignon - as instructed by the secret wine voices.

Au revoir

Matthieu xx

P.S. To counterbalance the misery above (OK, I'm shoe-horning this in) a really good opportunity to mention Pam Ann - possibly the most pant wetting stand-up you are likely to see.  If you are a gayer you will automatically love this, but for those less fortunate readers in a nutshell Pam Ann is every nightmare cabin attendant you have ever encountered - but worse - and on coke.