As my Saturday nights now consist predominantly of getting drunk at home, shovelling Thai green curry down my neck, drugging myself with happy/sleepy pills (delete as applicable) and watching TV, a critique of the current state of Saturday night telly is long overdue.
Mmm, must have taken, ooh, ten minutes to think this one up. Think 'Total Wipeout' (and what a gem that is) meets the shit National Lottery quiz. In a nutshell, self-obsessed, posturing contestants (*see disclaimer below) answer 'hilarious' questions, and if they lose they get thrown off the side of a Waterworld/scaffolding type structure.
But that's where the Beeb have missed a trick. When the cuntestants are flung screaming over the edge, it becomes obvious that they are attached to a safety rope, and actually descend pretty slowly into a swimming pool. BORING!! If they were being pushed off a footbridge over the M25, now THAT would be entertaining.
Its one saving grace is having some decent man candy as a presenter. Steve Jones - you are fit, you are going places - so why god why????? Probably a big fat cheque from the BBC actually.....respect.
* Disclaimer. OK, I was indeed a needy, show-off quiz contestant once myself. On The Weakest Link. But Anne Robinson is cool (god she's grumpy). And I won over £3,000. So FUCK OFF.
Tonight's the Night
OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD
This is one of those programmes that is so unbelievably atrocious that you are glued to the set, as if under some form of 'Children of the Corn' hypnosis - or possibly because your brain is struggling to process the scale of visual horror that is assaulting your retinas.
And what makes it worse, THIS IS A SECOND SERIES. Yes people, this isn't a trial series that has gone horribly wrong, but the Beeb continues as they have a hole in their programming to fill. No, this has been RECOMMISSIONED!!!! I can feel a Noel Edmonds stylee rant about the TV Licence brewing....
The ubiquitous John Barrowman (I quite like him in Torchwood, but enough already John - stop saying yes to every shit programme you are offered) stars in an opening scene a la Summertime Special. For those readers that weren't born in the 70s, Summertime Special was THE prime time BBC1 Saturday night show - a sort of variety show with acts such as Marti Caine and Les Dennis, and the most amazingly bad dance troupe.
Anyway, back to Tonight's the Night. The opening scene features La Barrowman, crooning his way through a Jennifer Lopez smash (from memory, it's painful to think about too closely), with a troupe of backing dancers. You really need to watch the show to appreciate this - some things just cannot be put into words.
Add your typical BBC1 studio audience, who of course are on their feet gurning, dribbling and clapping along in ecstasy - until the Variety Club minibus arrives to take them home.
The clip below is actually from the first series, but believe me it gives you a taster...
The premise of the show is that JB will make dreams come true - yeah, dreams that involve bad singing/dancing and West End show tune wankathons - it's really a bizarre bastard hybrid of Britain's Got Talent, Noel's Christmas Presents, Surprise Surprise and Beadle's About. Which is never going to be a good thing.
Of course, all of the dreamers that JB helps have got tragic back stories - one a miscarriage then cancer, one lost his father in a road accident, one lost their best friend to childhood cancer - Jesus Christ BBC, be ashamed, be very very ashamed. Coming up next week, JB cures a cute child's leukaemia using the power of the lyrics from 'Wicked'. GIVE ME FUCKING STRENGTH.
John Barrowman - you're fit, and I definitely would (TMI warning) if the rumours about your tackle are to be believed. But why??????? (See reasons for Steve Jones above). My personal dream would involve Freddie Ljundberg, Puck from Glee and out IT Manager from work on a desert island. You gonna fix that for me John, are ya? I've got a really shitty back story, it's heartbreaking. Are ya? ARE YA GONNA FIX IT JOHN??
Other 'celebrities' who appeared on this shitstorm.
1. Dionne Warwick - WTF - why woman?? You are an actual global superstar. Have you sold your soul to the devil, or were your millions all invested in Lehman Brothers?
2. Diversity - TV prostitutes, on 50% of all TV programmes, so no surprise really. See that toe curling advert for a furniture shop "If you like Diversity you'll love The Range" - fucking marketing genius.
3. Lee Meade - ditto - he's Denise van Outen's baby father don't ya know. Smart move Lee, otherwise no one would remember who the fuck you are.
OMG, next week they have Miley Cyrus and Michael Bolton......I think I might die.....
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