The author would like to acknowledge...

Adopts Geordie accent "Dae fyve in the grumpy bummer howse".  It's here people, the latest post of utter negativity from your favourite miserable 'mo.

Which reminds me, that bounteous source of not even Z list 'celebrities', Big Brother, is back for the final time on our screens this week.  Watch out for a dedicated post on this blog, as I have a sneaking suspicion that there may just be a smidgeon of material for me to rant about - assuming that I haven't smashed the flatscreen or had an embolism before then.

Anyway, back to business.  I thought it only fair to give acknowledgement to the many sources that have helped me to reach such a state of outright cynicism and sarcasm.  "What's that?" I hear you cry in utter confusion "you mean that your Pulitzer-winning outbursts of contemptuous bitching aren't solely your own work?".  Oh ye of little faith of course they are, I don't even have a ghost writer, however several people have helped to hone my sarcasm over the years.

1. My parents - sorry folks, I love you dearly but genetics is a terrible thing, and probably also explains my all consuming need for white wine on a daily basis.  And don't even get me started on my childhood......(note to self, confirm therapist appointment).

2. My work - which I won't mention by name of course.  We have an absolutely AMAZING e-marketing department who I'm sure are reading this, did I mention that they're AMAZING?  Needless to say my job never fails to provide me with a daily dose of pure, unadulterated depression - I'm about as valued as a severe case of herpes.

Now, on to four journalists who have greatly influenced this blog, and never fail to provide me with a weekly source of inspiration (and reassurance that I am not the only person on this planet with a majorly sarcastic and bad tempered psyche).  All of them write for The Guardian - yes, I'm a homo that lives in Hove and reads The Guardian - could I be any more stereotyped?

1. Charlie Brooker - oh Charlie, you truly are the king of grumpy bastards everywhere.  I have so much love for you and your work (and not in a gay bum fun way), both in print and on the tellybox .  If you haven't discovered Charlie's work, then I insist that you check out his section on The Guardian website NOW.  Never has a man been so skilled at showing utter contempt to everyday situations, yet being fucking hilarious at the same time.  His diatribe against i-phone users actually made me cry on the train, which was embarrassing and made people back away from me.  And if you haven't seen his telly series Screenwipe and Newswipe on BBC4 then do something about it NOW - I defy you not to wet yourself at Le Brooker's deconstruction of the typical TV news segment. Charlie, I love you.

2. Hadley Freeman - Hadley, I worship weekly at your weekly temple of fashion sarcasm Ask Hadley.  For the uninitiated, this is a weekly fashion agony aunt column, where readers write in with their fashion dilemmas, and Hadley destroys them with a combination of acerbic humour and downright rudeness.

This is even funnier for me, as I used to work in the fashion industry, even worse in fashion PR (yes, I was once a bright young thing with an ironic haircut before everything went pear shaped and up my nose), hence Hadley's observations of the utter ridiculousness of fashion magazines and fashion trends make me chortle uncontrollably.  She is also one of those people that could be bloody rude to your face, then smile, and you would never be sure whether she was actually joking.  I use that one a lot....


...to be continued because Corrie is on, and Tony has everyone locked in the factory....