Normal service will be resumed shortly....

OK, for those that know (and if you don't you do now) I have had a bit of a grumpy overload - AKA being signed off work because I'm a bit CRAAAAAAZY.  Hence, due to the cash and carry dosage of happy pills currently flowing through my veins, I HAVE LOST MY GRUMPY MOJO.

Well, possibly not lost it, but living life through a rose-tinted haze of Citalopram and Zopiclone is not exactly conducive to blood pressure busting rants.

However, be strong my people.  I'm going to try - go with me on this - I know that your happy lives will be thrown completely off-balance without an injection of utter misery from your favourite moaning 'mo.

I could just lie back, eat fruit pastilles and focus on my happy place, but NO - I'm going to try just for YOU - never let it be said that it's all about me my friends - although it usually is to be fair.

So to follow is a truly random outpouring of negativity completely off the top of my head.  Oh yeah, I'm freestyling baby.

Sophie Dahl's cookery TV thing - The Delicious Miss Dahl
If you have never witnessed this utter utter piece of televisual SHITE, I implore you to check it out (I'm sure that BBCi will be playing it for an eternity - just to rub in your face the fact that your TV licence paid for this). I'm obviously a bit late in my slagging of la Dahl, however it's being repeated on the tellybox on Saturday mornings - so now you get the experience with a hangover to boot.

So, if your life is so empty that you have never needed to tune in to cooking tips from an over-privileged  fat model turned bulimic model, let me explain.  Imagine Nigella's show - you know, cutesy 'no really, this is MY kitchen' set, props from the Conran Shop, self conscious 'I'm so naughty I am' guilty looks as she troughs down a whole foie gras.

Yeah?  Now, turn up the smugness dial by a factor of 100, and the level of cookery knowledge down by 100 (Nigella may be annoying, but her recipes are awesome).  The 'delicious' Miss Dahl is so excruciatingly smug, it actually hurts to watch.  And the little recitals of poetry between the recipes - WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?????  And don't get me started on the set (sorry, Sophie's own kitchen) - think a cross between Mrs Tiggywinkle's country kitchen, a Notting Hill interior designer's messy orgasm, and a scene from Alice in Wonderland.

Examples of utter utter utter smugness:
- ...when I lived in my beautiful apartment in New York, I missed England so much that I would make myself afternoon tea.....
- ....on her day off, Sophie likes nothing better than going shopping for cheese.  That's cheese people.....
- ....now I've prepared tonight's dinner party, I'll just pop out to buy something fabulous and vintage, at my local fabulous and vintage boutique...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA - while trawling YouTube for a clip to illustrate the sheer smugness of la Dahl, someone has beaten me to it.  Quite simply the best parody of The Delicious Miss Dahl EVER - I am laughing so hard it hurts (it's the drugs, don't get used to it).



Oh, she's Roald Dahl's grandaughter, she's a national treasure, she's a role model to people over a size 12 (oh, hang on a minute) - SO THE FUCK WHAT??  And allegedly, Sophie can't even cook.  That's right, a model that isn't obsessed with food (and let's face it, Sophie would have had servant people and nannies to cook anything for her anyway).  Allegedly, Sophie had to be given emergency cookery lessons because the first few takes of the TV filming were so unconvincing.  And allegedly the whole shebang was thought up by some TWAT of an independent TV production house, who saw the dollar signs around a TV series with a cooking model, plus associated book deal.

And the rest is history....

OK, off to drug myself into something resembling sleep.  My shrink says that I need to keep busy (presumably to avoid stabbing people) so I'm sure I will be back soon with further morose mania.

Matt x